Counselling in Wimbledon Blog

As the days draw in… and in… and in… it’s very easy to feel down and start feeling negative. That’s when NATS can fly in. No not those little flying insects that buzz around and can sting (they’re gnats!) but Negative Automatic Thoughts. They can also fly in and buzz around our heads!

One of the tools that my clients find very useful to get those irritating thoughts to buzz off are are these 20 questions designed to challenge negative thinking…

1. Is this a thought or a fact?

2. Am I jumping to conclusions?

3. Is my view of things the only possible one?

4. Do these negative thoughts help or hinder me?

5. What are the advantages and disadvantages of thinking this way?

6. Am I asking qusetions that have no answers?

7. Am I thinking in terms of all or nothing?

8. Do my thoughts include ultimatum words?

9. Am I telling myself I’m a bad person because of things that have happened recently?

10. Am I concentrating on my weaknesses and forgetting my strengths?

11. Am I blaming myself for something that isn’t my fault?

12. Am I taking things personally?

13. Am I expecting myself to be perfect?

14. Am I using double standards?

15. Am I only looking at the black side of things?

16. Am I overestimating the chance of disaster?

17. Am I exaggerating the importance of events?

18. Am I worrying about the way things should be rather than dealing with them as they are?

19. Am I assuming there’s nothing I can do to change my situation?

20. Am I looking in a crystal ball , predicting the future?

With thanks to Clinical Psychology Central Manchester and Manchester Children’s University Hospitals NHS Trust 2002

In 1958 Eddie Cochran sang ‘there ain’t no cure for the Summertime Blues’. His song became a rock ‘n’ roll anthem about what it’s like to be a teenager and has resonated with generations since. 

At this time of year post Xmas and New Year many of us face a very different issue, dealing with the difficulty of life in midwinter when spring, let alone summer seems a very long way off. I call this The Midwinter Blues.

Why is it that so many of us find this time of year so difficult and encounter the midwinter blues? It is known that exposure to light and sunshine produces a chemical reaction in the brain which can make us feel good. That’s one of the reasons so many of us yearn for sun and sea at this time of year and the TV schedules feature programmes about summer holidays and search for the perfect beach. Some people suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) a type of depression which can be helped by exposure to daylight.

Some ancient cultures dealt with their own midwinter blues by holding midwinter celebrations or festivals and light was a feature of them. At Christmas time some of us cover the outside of our homes in lights. Our streets and shops are decked out with lights. In the Jewish culture there is Chanukah another midwinter festival taking place in December which is known as the Festival of Lights. Light, light and more light is what we hanker after.

Working in multi-cultural London, I find that some of the people who struggle most at this time of year are those from sunnier countries eg South Africa, Australia and South America who are just not used to living with the low light levels that we experience here at this northerly latitude at this time of year.

One of the consequences of the midwinter blues is that it can cloud all aspects of our lives so that everything seems bleak, grey and generally hopeless. If that’s how you’re feeling right now maybe I can help.

‘There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues’ sang Eddie in 1958 but maybe I can help you with your Midwinter Blues at the beginning of 2008.

Did you guess that it was…… relationships? Is that the issue that you struggle with too? Relationships is the issue that people bring into my counselling room day in, day out. And I can hear you asking the question…How come? And it’s a really good question!

Years back, not quite in the stone age, people lived in close knit communities. There were no cars, no phones, no TV’s, no PC’s. Life was simpler, more clearly defined and expectations were lower. Everyone knew their place, what they could expect from life, what work they would do and even who they would marry. If you were a boy, you would probably follow your father into his trade or profession. If you were a girl you would get married, have babies and become a housewife. The world was small and you might never venture outside your own community. If you had a problem you kept it to yourself or spoke to your grandparent, priest, vicar or rabbi.

Fast forward to 2007. The world is a global village and everyone has the possibility of realising their dreams. People go halfway across the world for the weekend. Brits go on holiday to Aus and meet their partners. South Africans come to live in the UK and fall in love with Brits. Etc, etc. And then cultural differences and problems can start to kick in.

And have we lost the art of communicating? In the ‘good old days’ people used to chat across their garden fences and look into their neighbours’ eyes. Today we don’t even speak on the phone, we don’t want to waste people’s time, we send a text or email instead. We go to work shutting out the world with our Ipods in our ears and our Blackberries in our hands.

Sounds great? Yes, to a point. But many of us now find that we have difficulty communicating. We know how to write a good text but having a chat is not so easy, either on the phone or in person.

And some of us have also lost the ability to RELATE.

How come I hate my boss?

Why don’t my parents understand me?

Why I am still on my own?

Why is it my partner just doesn’t get me?

How come he can’t see it my way?

Why does she nag me all the time?

Why do we fight all the time?

Why don’t we have sex any more?

Why don’t we have fun any more?

Why are relationships such hard work?

Maybe I’d be happier with someone else?

It wasn’t meant to be like this

Sounds familiar? 

That’s where I come in…  

This is a question that prospective clients often think about!

It seems like only yesterday since Roger Federer lifted the mens singles cup just down the road at Wimbledon for a record equalling 5th time but that actually happened 10 weeks ago and whatever happened to our Great British Summer?

Here in SW20 it really is beginning to feel like Autumn and in many ways and for many of us this time is the start of a new year. In many cultures the new year starts in September. In the USA Labor Day marks the official end of summer. For students, teachers and all those involved in the academic world this time of year marks the start of a new year. For Jewish people the festival of Rosh Hashanah literally means the head of the year. Did you know that 11th September is the Ethiopian New Year? So to all members of the Jewish and Ethiopian communities Happy New Year to you!

For most of us September marks a return to work after our summer holidays and for many people that return is also something of a reality check - the realisation that our problems have not gone away. So I think there are two especially auspicious times to make a start on counselling, September and January the two traditional starts to a new year. It’s never easy to start taking a serious look at our difficulties but that first step, the commitment to do something, is very often the most rewarding.

If you’d like to discuss making a start on dealing with your issues send me a mail. Good luck!